Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!