@iwearaonesie

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

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@jwoodham

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

@ObscureGent

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@hell_homer

This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

@salamingia

A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

@IdiomsRUs

Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.

@ImLeslieChow

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@Mike_Bianchi

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.