wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The news is so predictable nowadays
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
what day is it?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Don’t snitch tag.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus