wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*

You Might Also Like


Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.


[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.


This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]


A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.


[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho


Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.


I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.


My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.


Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.