wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You Might Also Like
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school