Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.