*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
me: I need three trampolines
him: what for?
me: no three
How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?
*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.