@MrMooGert

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

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@mattgallo123

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@phalguy

How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?

*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.

@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@Dani_Feld

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.