*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Pandas 🐼🖤
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Peace was never an option
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Oops
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??