*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]

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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!


the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am


She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.


Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you


*steals a Lexus on Christmas Eve *
*parks it in a random driveway with a giant bow on top*


Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.


Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.