[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Generation gap…
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm