Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
sleeping beauty
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad