Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*