[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
5 ways to appear taller
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.