[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous


Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.


“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.


You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”


My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.


Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.


*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.