you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film “The Birds?” It’s about Angry Birds.
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.
Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.
Kids, don’t stay in school.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”
My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.