me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Is your wife single?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.