@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

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@mostlysharks

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@WilliamRodgers

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

@lizzzzzielogan

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@Gupton68

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.