My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Thanks to a fan for this one.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift