A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.