Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
that de-escalated quickly
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.