Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’m giving up ice.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Imagine having a party on purpose.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.