Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The struggle is real
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?