Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope



HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.


Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.


“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”



I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever


I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive


If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.


Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.


“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.