@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

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@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@jakob_huber

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

@GBRougecity

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@just1fool

Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.

@BuckyIsotope

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.