@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew

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@KimmyMonte

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

@dlicj

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

@Social_Mime

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

@rad_milk

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.