WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Friends that check up on you >
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Greeting humans vs their dogs