Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
I went to school with a girl named
We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
a lot to take in here.