@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

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@Mr_Kapowski

Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@HouseWithDoors

*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*