Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Owl Sanctuary
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Welcome to the stomach
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too