Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
We’re all getting idioter.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.