wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You Might Also Like
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?