Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.