Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Seems a bit forward
No point crayon over spilled milk.