wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.