Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Teenage daughter called me an old fart.
We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
octopus: [gun in each hand]
feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.