@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

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@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

@ericsshadow

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

@280Jokes

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

@2tickytacky

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

@dxblarssonENG

Teenage daughter called me an old fart.

We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@mrjohndarby

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

@girlontapas

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.