@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

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@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@yasminTBH

An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe

@Social_Mime

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

@TheQuietPsycho

Find a person who wants to do everything w you…

…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life

@Vodkantots

I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.

@ElgatoEsmio

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@murrman5

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.