Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

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Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket


20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids


When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.


I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.


Teenage daughter called me an old fart.

We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”



My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave


How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.