We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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An old Nigerian man just played a siren sound on his phone in the line at the airport to announce someone stole his sandals, I can’t breathe
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.