Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
can I use a minion as a tampon
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn