Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!

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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.


[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot


I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.


Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.


Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”


On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something