And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Hot coffee: Perfect! Iced coffee: Delicious! Room-temperature coffee: The most disgusting liquid on earth.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.