Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????