wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
And bowling should be called pinball
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.