WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol