Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“We will wed,” I threatened
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish