WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.