Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?