Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.