@101Racey Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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@101Racey 
@EJGomez [introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
@CrockettForReal In Canada they just call them geese
@bobvulfov me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
@thecrabbyhook To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.
@daemonic3 “Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
@Bob_Animal Fell asleep eating the cat
@Heartblakekid15 My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
@MrSandeepP Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
@ParasiteHilton “HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM