Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
In Canada they just call them geese
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
To avoid “the talk” I just convinced my 6yo that we got her from Amazon.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
I actually love streets
Fell asleep eating the cat
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM