Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WheelTod

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@AlexvanBeek

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@_salt_n_lime

Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@ceejoyner

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.