wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Found my door mat
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Challenge accepted.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“How do you do, fellow birds?”