wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this


One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.


*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!


marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad


god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again


Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?


BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail


FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business