Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.