WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story