*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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Ape together strong
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor