Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.


Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”


ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.


If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you


FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th


Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.