@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@mstern68

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@Iaughing

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

@dave_cactus

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

@Kateness8

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.