wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The two types of wives
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.