wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Brother?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it