Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.