@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

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@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@TheToddWilliams

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

@itscarokitty

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@Sassafrantz

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.