WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Britain be like
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.