Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!