Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Here’s a meme
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game