wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.