Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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