And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
can’t talk my ride’s here
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’