If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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*on a date pointing to a pothole*
I made that with my fist. I hate roads
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.