@blahdevivre

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

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@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@hipkingo

*on a date pointing to a pothole*

I made that with my fist. I hate roads

@VeganZebra

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

@iwearaonesie

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.