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@blahdevivre: wife: Don't be an idiot
me: IT'S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
@EndhooS: *Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
"OMG..we've been burgled"
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
@Writepop: "Oh man, you've got stretched lobes and piercings? I've got stretched lobes and piercings, too!"
"Sweet! We should hang out!"
- Ear buds
@iwearaonesie: wife: Get your hand out of your pants
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.