wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…