Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I am also baked goods
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”